The Journal of Uber and z0r!
Chapter 1: The Mission
The two Half-Uruk’s were lazily gazing
at the wood grain in the table, minding their own business and sipping on pints
of mead. The urge to chug down the mead was strong but Uber knew their master
was watching from afar and he couldn’t risk the consequences of failure. Not
again. z0r! had the new fangled eye-pod in the pocket beneath his breastplate.
Damn all Necromancers and their toys, he thought.
Hooded and cloaked, their apparel was supposed to emit the image of two travel worn and weary Hobbit rogues. Stunted growth had been in the family since Arag the Bold had had a close encounter with a Dwarf of undisclosed gender. Now finally the Dark Lord had found a use for them. Spawn of the same birthing pod, Uber and z0r! were a rarity indeed. Now the nameless one had sent them on a quest to fit their stature: Find out what the Old Took is up to and report all that you can find.
The tavern was quite full and lively as a group of Hobbits entered through the main entrance. No-one paid them much attention at first but then one of them got up onto a table and started singing lewd and racy songs. Uber kept one ear on what was being sung while the rest of his consciousness tried to keep his mug on the table.
The singing continued as sweat beads formed on Uber’s brow. Slowly he brought the mug to his lips thinking over and over to himself “just sip it”. The noise of the tavern had died down and Uber registered that one of the Hobbits was now holding a speech. The sound was muffled in his ears by the beating of his heart. His lips were trembling as the ale mug drew nearer. Parched, his throat yearned for deliverance. z0r! had started whispering something and the pub had gone very quiet. Suddenly he registered what z0r! was saying:
“The Old Took needs helpers. That Hobbit there is recruiting!”
The words trickled into his consciousness and the last strands of resistance fled. In one swift movement, Uber upped the mug and downed its contents.
Loudly, he belched.
At that moment the Hobbit, with a broad smile on his face, continued his speech. Uber was breathing hard and without pause grabbed z0r!’s mug and chugged it down as well. Seeing the barkeeper coming his way, hands clutching a brace of overflowing Steins, Uber ordered more Ale.
z0r! stood up and made his way over to the Hobbit, where now a crowd was forming. Uber, having consumed more mead than he could take, passed out.
Chapter 2: The Clueless and the Weedless
Morning had arrived. Uber recognised this with a grunt and got out of bed. Damn these stinking Hobbit rooms he thought. His back ached from the soft mattress and his muscles felt like they had been on a long march. His head pounded and his bladder was calling for attention.
After a cooked breakfast and a swig of black Orc medicine he was feeling better. z0r! started to explain what he had found out.
“The Ol’ Took is ‘osting a large party and ‘e needs loads of fancy stuff. Ten items in fact.” mumbled z0r!. “I ‘ave managed to get ourselves employed in ‘is service. We ‘av been given this ‘ere piece of prose to de-cy-pher.” The foreign sounding words came with difficulty out of his foul mouth. “Last night I entered it into the eye-pod and got this response.”
z0r! passed Uber a piece of paper upon which was scrawled in the Black Speech the following message:
From: The Dark Lord
To: Uber and z0r!
Regarding: Riddle 1
“Admired by small ones
A reputation built on ashes
Class wreathed in smoke
Go to the source
And dig.”
Thisss messsssage issss easssy to desssipher. Sssssmoke sssscreenssss and asssshes! Goto the Sssssouth Farthing and get Pipe Weed.
“Ere is somefing else which came fruw last night, very strange indeed it be. His Dark Lordness claims to be able to bend the lands of this ‘ere old Middle-earth and will therefore make our journey’s shorter. This is to ensure we get to the artifices before anyone else.”
“Before en-harn-cing on a travel we ‘ave to just hold this ‘ere eye-pod tight and count to free.”
Leaving the tavern and Bree they made their way to a secluded spot in a hollow by some woods. Thankfully no-one could see them there, as what they were about to do was against all the known Lore of the lands. Pulling the greenish eye-pod out from behind his Picassoesque metal breastplate they clutched it tightly and counted to three.
A mist arose around them and strange noises filled the now cold air. A sound, as if someone was shuffling a pack of cards and hopping on one foot at the same time, hummed around them. Darkness fell and then there was a blinding flash. They both fell backwards, slightly stunned.
Standing up they climbed out of the hollow. Around them the landscape had changed. It looked full of pixels and grainy. In the distance a Hobbit farmer was waving a scythe in the air. A speech bubble above his head could just about be seen. “My name is Ponto. How can I help you?”
The two Uruk’s looked at each other. They noticed subtle changes in their clothing and look. Brown hairy hobbit feet poked out from under their tunics. They both wore bright red pullovers and stout leather trousers. Uber had a blade of straw sticking out of his mouth.
“Damn prototypes.” They both said aloud. “Just our luck to be stuck in an Alpha-test!”
Walking over to Ponto, z0r! accidentally walked through a tree. Uber shook his head in dismay. “Come on and watch where you are going.” It was at this moment that they both realised they spoke with an accent free South Farthing dialect. “z0r!” thought Uber. “w00t!” thought z0r!.
“Hey, you two scallywags over there!” speech bubbled Ponto. “Looking for mushrooms no doubt, clear off my land!”
Gripping Uber’s sword arm, z0r! approached Ponto, and showed no emotion. Trying again he got it right and smiled. “We are on a mission from the Old Took. We have to collect some pipe-weed for his great festival.”
Out of nowhere a bundle of pipe-weed appeared on the ground before them. “I’ve been waiting for you all morning! Take this and give the old Hobbit my blessings. Don’t touch a leaf mind you or I’ll be hearing about it.” speech bubbled Ponto.
Uber picked up the bundle. Examining it carefully he found a note with another riddle attached to it. Handing it to z0r! he said “r0xz0r”.
Chapter 3: Wood Hall
The two Half-Uruk’s disguised as Hobbits, meandered back to the hollow. Taking out the eye-pod, z0r! whispered in the new riddle.
“Far from the cry of war,
Take instead a stroll down the pathway,
That leads to noble deeds,
The final chapter
Is usually
Where the conclusion lies.”
The eye-pod was in fact nothing more than a flat piece of dark shiny glass. Some said it was a chip off of a Palantir, but we couldn’t find the source of that rumour. Regardless of its make, its use was simple and amazing. If held at the right angle, words, if whispered in the right tone, would appear on its surface, allowing the person, or Dark Lord in this case, on the other end to read what was being said. The technical guys at Barad-dûr refered to it as p-mail. For Uber and z0r! it was to prove a life saver.
After a short while, words started to appear on its surface. In the depth of the darkness a rotating eye could be seen. The message read:
“Children of Morgoth, you have done well. Thossssse nassssty Hobbitssss think they are clever. They are not. The ansssswer to thisss riddle is clear. Go to Woodhall and find Celadar.”
The screen went blue and the glass suddenly felt very cold. Frost spread to z0r!’s fingers as the sky turned into many fantastic colours. Again, there was that strange shuffling, hopping sound, darkness and a blinding flash.
Getting up off the ground Uber peered over the rim of the hollow. They had moved to a new location and were now surrounded by trees. Behind him he heard a cry as of a terrified animal locked in a cage. Turning around his jaw dropped. z0r! wasn’t z0r! anymore, he was an Elfz0r. Uber tried to understand what he saw, tried to describe it, but failed. Never having seen an Elf before, the image was dark and shadowy. He had a strange feeling that he was seeing things which shouldn’t yet be seen.
“Let’s get this over with quickly z0r!”
Running into the forest they headed for a light in the distance. A strange sensation filled Uber. His loping gait and billowing hair sped him past many trees. Old magnificent trees, full of the sap of generations. Happy, growing trees. Shaking his head, Uber fought the desire to hug anything and nanced along as fast as he could.
Finally they reached an opening in the forest, a glade, warming in the noon sunshine. Sitting on a tree stump was a shadowy figure, not really describable. As Uber walked up to the figure, a crate of wine appeared out of nowhere. Grabbing it, and without saying a word, Uber and z0r! returned as fast as they could to the hollow.
Quickly whispering the latest riddle, which had been attached to the wine, they hoped that they didn’t have to wait too long for a reply.
Chapter 4: A song but no dance
This time the earth shook violently as the transformation took place around them. The message had been short and to the point. Go back to Bree and get Ale from Dale. Smaugs finest in fact.
Appearing from the hollow in the familiar hobbit attire, they looked at each other and smiled. Bree lay just behind a hill to the south and they could see the road, bordered by a line of tree’s, off to the west.
Taking some of the tobacco they had picked up, Uber lit his pipe and started to hum. They had little over 3 miles to go before reaching the gates of Bree and it wasn’t long before they both broke out in song. It was an old drinking song they had heard many times before and went something like this:
Oh,
down in Dale they make fine Ale,
It puts dead men to rest.
They brew it long and make it strong,
And call it Old Smaugs Best.
Oh, the hops it grows in straight long rows,
As tall as Elven spears.
But men who drink to much at once,
Shouldn't walk down Dale's wooden piers.
For a man overboard is a terrible Lord,
When drunken to his ears.
He'll shout for help and wriggle about,
Till the whole vale of it hears.
Now a Dwarf after drink would sink to fast,
When floundering in the Lake,
So take my heed and don't precede,
To quaff more tha' you can take.
The sorryest tale of Dale's finest Ale,
Involves a certain Moriquendi,
Who came to grief on one summer's eve,
At the Inn of the Prancing Pony.
No heed did he take of nature's call,
After drinking some to many.
With a cry and a leap he began to shriek,
"I've not time to spend a Penny".
Being confused the Barmaid mused,
"I think he's refusing to pay.".
So without a doubt she gave him a clout,
That left him cold as clay.
Old Smaug's Best is a very fine Ale,
Drink it and be merry.
But don't refuse to use those loos,
Or you'll end up rather smelly.
Upon singing ‘smelly’ they both pinched their noses and laughed. Never had a jollier pair of Half-Uruk’s entered Bree in such fine fettle. They made their way to Dennis the Master Brewer and picked up the Ale which, as they now expected, was waiting for them.
“z0r!?”, asked Uber, thoughtfully.
“Hmmm?”, responded z0r!.
“This is a great quest so far, actually, probably the best one I’ve ever been on.”
“z0r!”, replied z0r!
“Uber!”, concured Uber.
The sun was setting so the two decided to stay over in Bree. Barleyman had a couple of beds free and the company was entertaining. They settled down in front of a large roaring fire. A plate of meat and bread washed down with a couple of mugs of ale soon added to the general good feeling of the pair. After a while z0r! noticed a stranger, sat in an alcove, who had been staring at them on and off all evening. Shrouded in smoke and with a cowl over his head, no face was discernable. As z0r! lent over to tell Uber of this, the stranger abruptly stood up and walked over to them.
“Hello strangers to these parts.” He said. “I have been watching you all evening. May I sit a while and speak with you?”
“As ya’ wish. Take a seat and tell us of yer troubles.” z0r! motioned the stranger to a take a seat and winked mysteriously to Uber at the same time.
The stranger looked at the Half-Uruks for a moment in silence. They looked back. He lit a fresh pipe and took a deep draught of his ale. So did they. In fact, Uber took two deep draughts of his ale and re-crossed his legs.
“I have a story for you which will round off this evening nicely. I will begin”. The stranger was dressed in a dark red tunic with fine filigree embroidery. He began to speak in a flowing, melodious voice and soon the whole Tavern was listening to his story.
Rian, daughter of Belegund, was the wife of Huor, son of Galdor who left with Húrin. She died on the slopes of Haudh-en-Ndengin. Morwen was Húrin’s wife and daughter of Baragund and their son was Turin. This is the story of Morwen, and her second child Lalaith, or Laughter.
In the days before the birth of Lalaith, Morwen was happy at Hithlum. Often times she would walk to the edge of the wilds, through sunny glades and over running streams. Once, she paused on the bank of one such stream, and listened to its playful splashing. She sat on the fresh smelling grass covered in yellow Éllote flowers. After a while she started to sing a song which weaved with the sound of the running water. Here is a single verse:
Lalaith anim, nén randir,
Lalaith anim, nan Arda,
Lalaith anim, Lalaith anim,
Laureyúla Éllote lalaith.
Suddenly she heard real laughter. Light and young it tumbled in high notes like a peal of bells. Looking around she couldn’t locate the source until she realised it came from within. Her child was laughing and she could hear it. Thus did Morwen know how to name her child, and Lalaith was born with a smile on her face.
Túrin was eight years old at the time of her birth and loved every moment he spent with her. She was like unto nothing he had ever experienced before. Many times he tried to compare her to creatures he knew. Sometimes she was a butterfly, light and delicate. Other times a doe, sweet and inquisitive and then again a chattering swallow.
Many idyllic months passed in which Túrin’s love grew daily stronger and soon the siblings were not to part. On Lalaith’s first birthday Túrin prepared a special surprise and crowned her with a circlet of the tiny Éllote flowers.
Lalaith laughed the most when she was near water and so they would spend many days roaming valley and dale, resting on the banks of some river. Lalaith always in the arms of Túrin. He would sing to her and tell her the names of the trees and each creature they saw.
Time passed all to quickly for Túrin and one day, as Túrin and Lalaith were playing together on a hillock not far from home, a dark cloud swept down from the north. Born on evil wings it brought with it despair for it was a plague of Angmar. The laughter died on Lalaiths lips and for the first time since her birth, she cried.
Túrin first wondered at this sound he did not know. Then, picking up Lalaith, he ran with her back to their home and to their mother Morwen.
For months the child was sick. A plague had beset her body and soul and Túrin wouldn’t leave her bed. With many kinds of magic did the healers try to save the tiny corpus but the death of Angmar was stronger, if not swift enough. For Lalaith was never to laugh again and Túrin was to carry her to her grave on the day she turned three. The anguish in his heart never died.
The stranger stopped talking and closed his eyes. z0r! and Uber took this lapse as their queue to leave and got up and left for their rooms.
Chapter 5: Pies of Mordor
In the morning the two breakfasted, smoked some more of the pipe weed, and got ready for the next clue. Returning to the hollow, z0r! held the eye-pod at right angles and whispered:
“Not only in times of war come the cry
To band together with kith and kin
The bonds of love can bind as tight
As those born of strife
The song of a nightingale can captivate
As…”
The cackle of the Dark Lord was clearly visible on the screen.
“Fools and horses! To Lothlorien you go my friends, just beware of the Lady.”
Without a pause the world started to spin around them. The odd hopping, shuffling noise was joined by a warbling high pitched screech. The ground seemed to heave about them and toss them in the air.
After the dust had settled they looked at each other carefully. Nothing. Just a black hole where once there was Half-Uruk. Again they shivered at the sight of not seeing their Elven Avatars.
They found themselves in a strange forest. The trees were mighty and tall and glowed ever so slightly. They found a track and followed it for a few miles. Finally, rounding a bend they came upon a shadowy figure with a speech bubble above it’s head.
“I am Enelya who some call Nightingale. How may I help you?”
z0r! coughed. “We seek a gift for the Old Took, can you help us with our search?”
A cage of Nightingales appeared by Enelya’s side.
“Take these and give the Old Took our blessings.” With this the figure moved away, back into the density of the trees. Her silhouette was lost in the gloom.
“Nightingales?” exclaimed Uber. “Starlings and Blue Tit’s next. At least we have something to eat, I’m famished.”
With that, Uber broke off some more weed for his pipe, opened a bottle of Honey wine and started a fire. z0r! set to work on killing the birds and soon he had pile of frail bodies in front of him.
“What I would do for some O me old mam’s pastry!” he cried.
Uber looked up, startled. “Silly old me! I nearly forgot! I’ve been carrying this around for years! Forget me head if it wasn’t screwed on as my old Spawner would say.” He reached into his battered old backpack and rummaging to the bottom pulled out a black cloth. With trembling fingers he unwrapped the cloth to reveal a lump of soft yellow dough.
Tears welled up in z0r!’s eyes as he took the pastry. “My old mam gave this to ya on me 51st birthday and you’ve kept it all this time. Soppy old git.” With a tender hand he laid the dough on the ground and started to kneed life back into it.
Before long the smell of Nightingale Pie was wafting through the bows of Lothlorien wood. Half the supply of Honey wine was consumed and there was a gaping whole in the block of pipe-weed. Uber was eyeing the Ale from Dale wistfully. z0r!, having eaten his fill, snored and rolled over, asleep.
At about three in the afternoon he awoke. Uber was out unconscious and his carryall was looking suspiciously empty. Strewn about the place were empty bottles of wine. Looking closer at Uber, z0r! noticed the now also empty barrel of Smaugs Best tucked under his arm.
Groaning he got up and kicked Uber. Nothing. Above Uber’s head was a speech bubble. Hmmm, thought z0r!. He’s never done that before. Walking around so that he could see it’s contents better, he read: “AFK”
This is not good, he considered. I remember last time something like this happened. The Dark Lord was not amused, what with him forgetting to keep an eye on Shelob and her devouring a whole regiment of Orcs.
I’ll leave a note and go on without him, he decided. Then, all of a sudden Uber “flickered”. It happened again. Then he disappeared. z0r! tried to call him but all he could hear was his own echo. Looking around the place he suddenly felt very cold and lonely. He being an Uruk, albeit in disguise, and this an Elven homeland and all. Just as he was about to leave for the hollow, Uber flickered back into existence.
“Uber!” cried z0r!
“Sorry z0r! my wife needed some help with the kids so I was away for a short while there. Did I miss anything?”
“WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?” z0r! looked like he was about to breakdown in tears.
“Don’t type in capitals man. It’s cool, I’m back.”
“B…but, heh? You’re married?!?”
“Yeah, didn’t you know? Does it matter?”
“No, never mind… lets get back to this quest.”
“Sure.”
Chapter 6: A short cut to Ale
The intrepid explorers packed what was left of the pie and tobacco and made for the hollow. As they arrived they noticed the eye-pod lying on the ground. They must have forgotten it earlier. Picking it up, z0r! saw that a message was waiting for them.
To: z0r!
From: Kinship Leader
Regarding: Quest Items
Hey guys, don’t know where you’ve been but we have all the items. Well, nearly everything. Only thing missing is the Ale from Dale, but I know you two collected that one right? Just head back to the Old Took and we’ll meet up and share everything out.
Uber, looking over his shoulder, read the message as well. Reaching into his backpack he searched around but found nothing. “It’s all gone! Damn. We are going to have to head back to Bree and see if we can get some more.”
“Shouldn’t be a problem I guess.” said z0r!. “Let’s just repeat the riddle for that item!. I just don’t know why you had to go and drink it all. I think beer is horrible.”
“How do you know what beer tastes like, your only 14 in real life!”
“LOL, yeah I know, but my dad drinks a lot and it stinks.”
“Hmmm, do you want to talk about that?”
“Nah, it’s alright thanks. Lets get back in character please.”
“Sorry, sure.”
z0r! whispered in the Ale from Dale riddle. Without even displaying a message the location transformation started and they were back outside of Bree dressed as Hobbits.
Running as fast as they could they went directly to the Master Brewer. Uber spoke with him but nothing happened.
“You do it.” suggested Uber.
z0r! did the same and still there was no response. Looking around they could see many crates and barrels lining the walls, but none could be taken. Suddenly a speech bubble appeared above the Master Brewer’s head. “My warehouses are empty. All my stock has gone to the party.”
“He didn’t say that last time” observed Uber. “What are we going to do?” He scratched his head thoughtfully.
“There’s only one thing for it. I think I saw a wagon heading back to the shire laden with goods. We’ll waylay it. We’ll have to wait until it gets closer to the Barrow Downs. They will be vulnerable there.”
“Good plan” concurred Uber. “Finally I get to use my battle axe!”
Running out of the Master Brewer’s house they sped down the streets of Bree and out of the gates. In the near distance they could see the wagon throwing up a cloud of dust as it rumbled along.
“We are going to have to attack during day light. This is going to be hairy.” They split up, z0r! on the right and Uber on the left side of the road to Buckland. Uber made sure he had enough Orc medicine handy. Looking over to z0r! he also noticed that their disguises were gone and the strange pixelly look to things had also disappeared. They were completely emerged in the world and were fighting Half-Uruk’s again.
z0r! readied his bow and Uber unlatched his battle axe from his belt. The wagon was only 300 yards away now and they were closing rapidly. Two Elves were sitting at the front. Uber started shouting to z0r!.
“It’s only two nancing Elves. One of them is obviously hugging a thick branch of wood.”
z0r! stood still. “I know who that is!” he said. “Thingol and Loth! The Elves of Imladris!”
Uber stopped running as well. A grin spread across his face. “Thingolmeister and the Lothness monster!” he said.
They approached the wagon warily. For some reason it was rocking from side to side and weaving from left to right. z0r! tried to aim his bow but couldn’t get a clear view. Thingol had obviously been boozing it up at Bree, as he continued to sway back and forth upon the wagon. Suddenly he fell from the cart upon hitting a bump in the road. Loth watched this turn of events with a look of disdain on her face. Seeing that her Lord was really in need of help she stopped the wagon to pick him up.
z0r! and Uber siezed the opportunity, and ran up behind the wagon to steal the ale they needed. Motioning to z0r! to run off into the Downs, Uber reaching in his pack for a rope. One end he tied to a wheel, the other he slung around a tree. Jumping off the road, Uber and z0r! made their way deeper into the Barrow Downs and away. In the distance they could hear Thingol swearing at Loth. Suddenly there was a loud crash as the wagon lost it’s rear wheels and fell to the ground.
Laughing, the two Half-Uruk’s made their way deeper into the Barrows and towards the Old Forest. Humming again as they walked along they both burst into song. This time it was a traditional Uruk dirge. Dark in sound and terrible in meaning. Here is a small excerpt, translated from the Black Speech.
Black is the blood which flows in my veins,
Blood to blood you are the creator of my soul,
Melkor on high, your crown of steel,
Take my worthless soul and beat a warrior out of it.
Pain of generations we will avenge,
Trees will burn and men will die,
When our swords reach for the sun,
And all Elvendom fears our passage.
Stars will dim and the wind will still,
As our cheers ring through the land,
Our fame will be grow through death galore,
The day will dawn without light of Ilúvatar.
Chapter 7: Kinship bound
Edging back north a little the two Half-Uruk’s made their way along the northern edge of the Old Forest and towards the gates of Buckland. A problem had been trying to make it's presence known for the last hour in Uber’s head, but it wasn’t until they saw a group of Hobbits on the road that it dawned on him.
“z0r!,” he said. “how are we going to get into the Shire?”
z0r! looked at him confused and then he realised the problem as well.
“We have lost our disguises! Hmmm, Captain of Despair plays as a Hobbit right?. He must have got everyone else in. I’ll send him a p-mail.”
Whispering his message into the eye-pod, they didn’t have to wait long for an answer.
“Captain will come out and bring some clothes with him. We should wait by the side of the road for him. He might be some time though as he’s busy right now.”
“Fair enough.” replied Uber.
They continued along until they were about a mile from the gates to Buckland. They found a shady spot underneath a tree where they could watch the road but remain unseen. They lit up pipes with the remaining weed and settled down to wait.
After a while they saw Loth and Thingol come into view. Loth was walking 10 yards behind Thingol and they both had a look on their faces which could curdle milk.
A little later Captain came along from the opposite direction, leading a pony on a leash. Seeing that the coast was clear, Uber and z0r! got up and went to the Hobbit.
“Aha, there you are!, Well met my friends” said Captain of Despair. “Oblivion and Kierrkian are already on the inside. Just put on these clothes and we’ll get you in. I’ve reserved beds for us in a little Inn in Standelf, not far from Brandy Hall.”
The Half-Uruks changed into the Hobbit attire and pulled cowls over their heads. Passing through the gates at the northern end of the Hedge they drew inquisitive looks from the Hobbits standing around. Many strange persons and creatures had been seen passing through lately so they paid no great heed. Taking a right just before the Brandywine Bridge, they headed for Standelf.
To get to Standelf they had to pass Brandy Hall. It was a great sprawling place with many windows and entrances. Uber could see from the road that the entrance was crowded.
“We can go tomorrow morning when things have quietened down a bit.”
It took them about an hour to reach the Inn at Standelf. It was a homely affair, run by a family of Bucklanders. Around the back there was a little garden where guests could relax with a pint of the home brewed Ale.
Kierrkian and Oblivion were sitting at a table with Tuluwen. They waved to the newcomers and made room for them at the table.
It wasn’t long before they were in deep discussions about all which had come to pass and the Soul Assassins spent a merry time eating mushrooms and drinking ale. They didn’t notice a still disgruntled Thingol watching them from within the Tavern. A Ranger was sitting next to him and he was pointing at Uber and z0r!
Chapter 8: End Game
In the morning they all breakfast together on porridge. Afterwards they met in the forecourt to go through the items. When it came round to z0r! to produce the keg of Ale he looked in confusion at his pack. “It’s gone” he said.
Uber checked through his pack and also found nothing.
Kierrkian rolled his eyes. “Typical of you two. Really!”
“Yes but we had it for sure. We stole it from Thingol yesterday on the way back from Bree!” exclaimed a confused Uber.
“Thingol you say?” said Tuluwen “I saw him last night as I went to my room.”
Running back into the Tavern, they made some enquires and sure enough, the Landlord confirmed that a tall nancing Elf with a high brow had been seen in conversation with a Ranger. He did not stay over but left very late.
Uber and z0r! couldn’t believe it. They could only guess that the Ranger had seen what had happened and had followed them back.
“There’s nothing more we can do” said Oblivion. “We have to hand in the items today. Lets go up to Brandy Hall and see what’s going on.”
So they headed off, now joined by Reath and Loar of Ephel Duath. Today was worse than yesterday. As they approached the entrance to Brandy Hall the way was blocked by numerous folk with wheel barrows, carts and all sorts.
Oblivion smiled. “In this confusion we will be able to get another keg from someone.”
A small group of Hobbit children had started an impromptu band to one side. There was much shouting and ado as a large carriage with the words ‘Sackville-Baggins’ in gold leaf tried to make its way to the front gates, knocking over a hand cart laden with apples.
They split up into two’s and made their way through the crowd. To one side Thingol was arguing with Loth again. Looking up, they noticed Uber. They stopped their arguement and pointing, started to laugh.
Uber wanted to go over and make the nancing Elf a few feet shorter but z0r! pulled him away in a different direction.
“Listen, we got us in this mess so we had better make things better.” said z0r!.
The rest of the Soul Assassins had gathered at the trade entrance to the left, where goods were being received and checked off. The Sackville-Baggins carriage had pulled up and was being unloaded into another side door on the right of the main entrance. Attached to the rear z0r! could clearly see a keg of Smaugs Best.
Motioning the rest of the Soul Assassins to get into position z0r! pushed past a Hobbit carrying a load of wax candles and sprang onto the carriage. The Hobbit was cursin ghim as he untied a barrel and passed it into the waiting hands of Uber.
By now the commotion had been noticed by a scout of the Old Took. A shout went up and everything went ballistic.
Uber, running towards Reath, tripped and let the keg go. It flew straight at him and with a flourish he caught it like a rugby ball. Three hobbits launched themselves at the feet of Reath, who, draging them with him, moved towards Loar.
Loar took the keg out of Reath’s hands and jumped up onto another cart. An arrow whistled past his left ear as he threw the keg with all his might at Oblivion.
Catching the barrel, Oblivion stamped the Soul Assassins name on it, and passed it to the store room attendant, who hadn’t yet noticed what was going on.
In the quest log of each member of the Soul Assassins a new entry was made in the completed section.
Utter confusion raged in front of the home of the Old Took. A cart overturned amd sent a wheel bounded past the group of Hobbit children and buried itself into a Juniper Bush.1 Horns were blowing wildly and arrows whistled through the air.
The members of the Soul Assassins made a run for it. Grabbing hold of some horses which were tied up, they galloped onto the road and made for the gates of Buckland.
With a crowd running after them and arrows flying around they each drew their respective weapons and charged the wardens who were now blocking the road.
The End
Notes from the author
Obviously this is a parody and the use of the names Uber and z0r! represent the “facelessness” of names in online games. They could have been called Martha and Cindy for all the difference it would have made. There is an intentional progress in the story from “fantasy story” at the beginning, to “game narrative”. Hereby I have tried to express how involved a game can become. The story meanders between pure story telling and narrative. There are two moments where “Real Life” issues are brought into the story unannounced. This is to reflect the nature of gaming. Uber is a married 30 something and z0r! is a 14 year old with a father who has an alchohol problem. z0r! uses gaming as a way of escape. Uber is there also as a form of escape, but is nevertheless responsible for his real-life commitments. Therefore there are “3” levels to this story. Pure fantasy, game narrative and real life. There are a couple of digs at MEO which the casual reader might not appreciate. At the time of writing the makers of MEO hadn't yet released any screenshots of Elves, therefore the Hero's couldn't see their "Avatars". Also the game has recently been delayed and therefore the dig of being in permanent Alpha testing.
Thingol and Loth are members of Rivendell, or The Elves of Imladris, a MEO kinship. The names of the members of the Soul Assassins are the chatroom names each member uses. The exception of course is Amonereb as Uber and Gilthanor as z0r!.
The story has no relation to the real-lives of the people involved and any similarity is purely coincidental.
MAP
Copyright Matthew Rogers 2004
1: This always happens in action scenes.